knowing

I know of longing, laughing, caring, sacrifice, and of devotion; all the things I know, I know because of love and I was loved an inordinate amount--we did; I knew love then, but I know it better now. 

But it was when we began crumbling, that I broke myself from foundation towards opposite equivalents of what I didn't know, to quell unknown fears and now--I know that I was better off not knowing. Which is really hard for me to accept. Curiosity killed the cat, but it did me worse, it made me feel as if I've never even existed; being replaced is worth less weight than a discomforting death.

Me to be better off not knowing is mostly impossible. I wanted to know the things I didn't know. The things I never experienced, I wanted to experience it all. I wanted to touch the nerves of the unknown with an untouchable security of certainty and feel something in return. I knew simply to live this way my whole life until I fell in love with you and I was ok with not knowing anymore; it was the first time I felt complete, knowing something I, just, didn't, know. I knew I was happy--finally--and truly. Just being with you.

Then when everything in the world was balanced again, and I, as ever as I can see, became perfectly imbalanced in uncertainty again. But love bore its cancers of unrelenting longing for what I loved, and I killed that sorrow with wine and even for just awhile I become comfortably uncomfortable and do the same again.

Just as I knew love but know it better now, I knew sadness and I know it more now. I want to speak of new unknown love I've learned from impediments of my disposition and share what my heart doesn't know with you. When you are ready to accept me, I will give you something better. 

nightmares

I am awake unsound again, again.

awake with a songless nightingale

who only sleeps to empty the dread

of real cruelties in my head, until again

I wake unsound with the nightingale.

I didn't know until I was Brokenhearted
Where love stayed was inside my chest
I loaded you up into my eyes and my yearning grew deeper
I gave and gave, but it wasn't enough
There is nothing in return, but you are my everything now
I can give you all. For you, I can give anything.
Oh, blowing wind, please pass along my love to her.
No matter where I go, If I'm not here in the far future
I will still have love for you so passionately
I love you.
Until the day I die

I wanted for nothing when I was alone
Now I want only you, I don't see anyone else
I can do anything when I am by your side
If I could live for only a day, If I can live it with you
It would be enough. I wouldn't want anything else
Now I know what it's like to truly live and to love
You are a gift to me
I love you forever and ever

nothing is right

I feel like my life has caught fire, 
I rushed to put it out with fire extinguishers 
and even the extinguishers caught fire.

I think of you when I try to sleep,
when I dream, I can count on dreaming of you
when I wake, I check my phone hoping you'll say
Hi

I wish you and I could be together
I would try so hard to see
how much I could be
the one you come home to

I feel so broken

Make it Last

I'd rather hurt a thousand times for you,
Than dare to start over with someone new,
For you, Only you,
Sweetheart, you're someone who
Can speak to my soul the way you do,

I’d rather tear my core asunder,
Than ever see us go askew,
We’ve spent far too long together, 
Removing, naked to each other,
For too long I saw you glowing,

Vulnerable, I saw us going,
Then showing,
God my eternal debt.
I'll cleave to my Vow;
I praised commitment then and cherish now.

I’d spend a thousand nights hurting for you,
That so when the sun raises our mutual prizes
Will be the hearts of two lovers
trying to just
Make it last.

the illustrious us

I will be dedicated and cast away my fears turning real
I will let my actions heal,
Old wounds that still feel,
Real love.
Real engagement.
Real devotion.
So with quixotic bravado I let my cauldron brew emotion,
Motions beget actions & actions give credence to thoughts,
With all credit counted the intentions I’ve wrought,
Complete my circuit of committal,
With no fear I give my dedication,
And swear my soul to the illustrious Us

I hate it when people order pizza for me

They don't know where I order from 

They don't know what toppings I like

They don't know me

They don't know my life

They don't know what I've been through

I hate it when people ask if I'm alright

I'm not, neither are you

You're dying and getting weaker, we're all dying and living stupider

Ask me again when we're dead and then I'll say, "yes".

I hate fast food commercials

There's nothing more disappointing that model burgers

It's just styrofoam and mayonnaise and cheap makeup

And that's not meat, that's the spew of robotic labourized afterbirth

I hate the scent of freshly cut grass

I imagine it comparable to the scent of massacred people, except, only grass-people blood

I hate how cigarettes can't just cure cancer but actually cause cancer 

I hate how nobody recycles cigarettes and maybe build a mausoleum for the dead smokers of America or maybe terrorists

I hate how ice cream can crystallize in the freezer if you leave it in too long

What is it that you want, ice cream?

I hate the ideas of lobotomized people

If I say something brilliant, then I expect the other person to say something even more brilliant

And then maybe we'll dance with our eyes and then go straight to hating each other 

I hate how there aren't more fence signs that read, "BEWARE OF CAT". I also hate how some fuck decided it was funny to call a cat 'pussy' . 'asshole' is a better cavity to call a cat anyway. Assholes. It would make sense

.

Will you marry me?
I'd have been okay with a typo, a period to end something,

anything from you--so long as it was from you, for me;

It was okay when you said we'd be together, but we aren't;

It was okay when you said you loved me, but just--not now; 

I'd have been okay with a lie, or with promises too brutal,

But not even with words, not even a period, with nothing, 

you whispered nothing into me and said goodbye

entry 1

Journal entry 1.

I've smoked 33 cigarettes in the last three days; the medication of one lit stick of ash helps me for a moment, if only temporary. The other 10 a day is just to drown myself a little deeper. It's why I've been getting headaches, probably, but I can at least droll on pains that distract me from the heart. Still, what a bad way to live. I am just finding distractions. This oral obsession reminds me of the fixations from the past; drugs in general, bad behaviours in general remind me of the past. But I guess I needed it then like I need it now; when life provided no adequate ventilation, i turned to self sabotage. Luckily, I've never had a problem with quitting things cold turkey. I think self destruction and the willing for self improvement make for better people. Especially when you come to the realization of how you've become. I'll take a smoke and breathe it deep into my lungs and let myself collapse into the basal layers of my skin. 

I remember when I used to practice smiling. I remember when I was alone and I would practice. I tried again today. It was more difficult than I remember. My face just falls; my spirit suppresses how I want to feel.

It's harder to fake being happy when you truly feel undeserving of happiness.

I saw a strand of my blond hair today, resting on my pillow. Poor hair. It was with me for so long and now it might as well have never to exist. I feel bad for that strand. You were a part of me strand of blond! I will remember you.

I think I have problems with letting go. I love too much. 

again, alone

Underneath your cold heart, I can feel my shadow's heat.

if I can tell you how hot it feels, I may melt.

If winds blows on my heart, it'll ask me how I am alone again.

I just give out a sigh and ask why i am living without you.

i will definitely do it,
i wont forget you
starting today
i wont know someone like you.
it's as if i've never seen you
i feel like i've always walked with you
but now, we'll walk without each other
i am okay
i havent forgotten
i am happy with myself
i am happy for you
i miss you more and more everyday
and it's hard to forget and feel numb
when love goes away, then another comes
i think we will be
definitely
right now it hurts,
but after awhile
it will heal
when love goes away
then another love will come
this is how it will be,
i will not forget you
i will do that

i should have ignored it, like it couldnt have been seen

gently wake me up in the morning my sunshine,
i will wait with my eyes closed,
when my eyes open
with me will be my love shot,
like a fairy tale prince
you'll smile when you see me.

all this talk is getting me down
making sense in my brain
i'm moving words in coarse of today
it's not easy hard to fix through the pain
i'm waiting to the thought that we came
only to discover I'm aged
i blow a quart of love in your frame

ends of the earth

You promised me the ends of the Earth but I don't want that 
I just want you to feel the belief of a man 
love is drunk but drunk don't let you far 
All I want is the you that pulls me back 

Where I go, you tell me, 
My voice is within me 
Where I go, you spell me, 
What I start is complete

I try to keep myself topped up with all this good and bad 
Don't wanna fall behind the pack and illness send me mad 
If you were ever this complete, you've lost yourself 
You've lost yourself 
You need to reach beyond the star that falls straight from the shelf 
You need to reach beyond the star that leads straight to your wealth 

Where I go, you tell me,
My voice is within me 
Where I go, you spell me, 
What I start is complete

I won't forget

There'd be long rainy days where we'd take the car out and we'd have the stereo tuned to lovely old songs and I'd listen to you sing. 

I enjoyed how the many droplets would converge to meet at a single point on the windshield; no matter where rain fell on the windows, they'd all end up in the same spot. 

And I'm glad they did. 

It's okay now.

Okay that there's no more of those days.

I can always wait for it to rain again

And I'll remember how nice it was.

Thank you, I'll always love you.

never change

don't be blinded by the light, be reminded.

just look into my heart you'll see:

I, i'll love you always
i'll love you even when your heart breaks
all you need to do is call,
I will help you fly when you fall
I'll never leave you,
wont let the sun set without me
right by you
all you do is call on my name
this world may,
but my love will
never change.