entry 1

Journal entry 1.

I've smoked 33 cigarettes in the last three days; the medication of one lit stick of ash helps me for a moment, if only temporary. The other 10 a day is just to drown myself a little deeper. It's why I've been getting headaches, probably, but I can at least droll on pains that distract me from the heart. Still, what a bad way to live. I am just finding distractions. This oral obsession reminds me of the fixations from the past; drugs in general, bad behaviours in general remind me of the past. But I guess I needed it then like I need it now; when life provided no adequate ventilation, i turned to self sabotage. Luckily, I've never had a problem with quitting things cold turkey. I think self destruction and the willing for self improvement make for better people. Especially when you come to the realization of how you've become. I'll take a smoke and breathe it deep into my lungs and let myself collapse into the basal layers of my skin. 

I remember when I used to practice smiling. I remember when I was alone and I would practice. I tried again today. It was more difficult than I remember. My face just falls; my spirit suppresses how I want to feel.

It's harder to fake being happy when you truly feel undeserving of happiness.

I saw a strand of my blond hair today, resting on my pillow. Poor hair. It was with me for so long and now it might as well have never to exist. I feel bad for that strand. You were a part of me strand of blond! I will remember you.

I think I have problems with letting go. I love too much.