even if i wanted to,
i don't think have enough words
to tell you how i feel today

these days i'll search for pieces
for love to help me hold on
to wait and be gracious

these days

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking these days
These days...
These days I simply think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to

I've stopped my rambling
I won't do too much gambling these days
These days...
These days I simply think about
How all the changes came about my way
And I wonder if I'll see another highway

I had a lover
I don't think I'll risk another these days
These days...
These days I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long

La la la la la

I've stopped my dreaming
I won't do too much scheming these days
These days...
These days I sit on cornerstones
And count the time in quartertones to ten
Please don't confront me with my failures
I have not forgotten them

If I could only write one last letter

It would be for you

I'd leave it behind and hope 

You never find it

these days, perfect songs for these days

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking these days
These days I simply think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to

I've stopped my rambling
I won't do too much gambling these days
These days I simply think about
How all the changes came about my way
And I wonder if I'll see another highway

I had a lover
I don't think I'll risk another these days
These days I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long

I've stopped my dreaming
I won't do too much scheming these days
These days I sit on cornerstones
And count the time in quartertones to ten
Please don't confront me with my failures
I have not forgotten them

You can keep your teeth sharp,
I hang my head in shame;
All I do is brush my own,
And then not every day.

maybe we can't always say what we need to when we fight

sometimes, maybe we become blinded by our humanly rage

we get there often, but i always  just want to scream at you and tell you

i love you

to forget beauty is to forget beauty

it was trouble finding myself in the stiff rebirth of chaos. it was trouble in the wake of my curiosity to understand why the world spins so selfishly to my own needs. i got what i wished for, and so manifested from the lacunae of burning decay was a reaper to dull the sharpness of my beliefs until it shattered my core, my ethos, my understanding of what makes the world spin just adequately enough. i chose to choose nihilism because i needed a new interpretation with the dichotomy of good vs evil. and i expected that i had chosen to forge clandestine chaos within myself. and with that, i will never understand goodness. it will always illude me because i have manufactured a true reality where there will always be consequence of discontent i must rot with in the cruelty of time.

ernest hemmingway once said, "my father is a very sentimental man, but he is also very cruel."

I understand all too well now what he means.

if you must dissect the fascia off your own heart as facetiously fevered to find yourself, remind yourself that beauty exists! it's there, somewhere worth crazily searching for and it should become your path to finding that curious sense of peace you've longed for.

To...

To the boy who never met his family until he was five

To the boy who sat in his secret club house eating sweets by himself

To the boy who picked flowers for his mom

To the boy who scoured the streets for recyclables for a total of $5.22

To the boy who shared his lunches with his friends

To the boy who drank milkshakes with his mom

To the boy who fell in love in 2nd grade and loved only her til the 8th grade

To the boy who always wanted to have something to cry about but never felt able to

To the boy who made people laugh

To the boy who woke up watching his mother's eyes open after her failed suicide

To the boy who wanted to cry when his mom died but remembered she told him not to

To the boy who woke up mid-night to write a funny joke
To the boy who listened to classical music to sleep

To the boy who fell asleep wishing for someone who understood him

To the boy who threw everything in a blender to simplify eating

To the boy who read 1984 at the bookstore until they closed

To the boy who took a chance to find love
To the boy who wrote her a piano piece

To the boy who would walk behind her to make sure she didn't trip

To the boy who drove so she could sleep

To the boy who wrote letters to her everyday

To the boy who loves too much
To the boy who is willing to say I'm sorry

To the boy who didn't complain to do anything for her

To the boy who fell in love underneath a ferris wheel

To the boy who marveled into the eyes of god

To the girl who saw slivers of goodness in him

To the girl who gave him something to cry for

To the girl who made him feel like the only one

To the girl who shared her adventures with him

To the girl who taught him to be honest

To the girl who tried to always speak honestly

To the girl who he never shared a dull moment with

To the girl who loved her dogs more than she loved humans

To the girl who faced so much hardship but still smiled sweetly

To the girl who tried to understand him when even he couldn't

To the girl who made holding hands important

To the girl who laughed at all his dumb jokes
To the girl who was hopeful

To the girl who wanted the best for him

To the girl who gave him the benefit of the doubt

To the girl who believed in him when he was good

To the girl who did everything she could for love

To the girl who gave him the chance of a lifetime

To the only girl who could love him the way she did

I will always love this boy, and this girl.

Maybe

I've never been good at waiting. Especially when faced with despair.

I've never felt so much despair. And I've never felt like this wait would be nearly hopeless.

But.

Maybe. Maybe.

Gorrilaz we would listen to on the long rides to LA

"On Melancholy Hill"

Up on melancholy hill
There's a plastic tree
Are you here with me?
Just looking out on the day of another dream

Well, you can't get what you want
But you can get me
So let's set up and see, love
'Cause you are my medicine
When you're close to me
When you're close to me

So call in the submarines
'round the world we'll go
Does anybody know her?
If we're looking out on the day of another dream

If you can't get what you want
Then you come with me

Up on melancholy hill
Sits a manatee
Just looking out for the day
When you're close to me
When you're close to me

When you're close to me

Hey Chaos! EAT A SHOE!

I lie on my stomach with eyes closed, clothes entwined against my body, my heart embracing my feelings again for the first time since destruction completely enveloped me. While my ears rest from chaos, I hear nothing but my trembling palpitations; my heart panics to quickly, warningly telling me to take in the next wave of love I found.

It's so loud I thought. Love is making my heart beat so, so turbulently deep. Without love there was only you, Chaos. And you created havoc that will never truly find remediation. Without the love I desperately tried to hang on to, I felt the punctuation of your calamity--Chaos, no more. What a burden you have been, Chaos. What a tiresome burden you have inflicted my love for my wonderful love of the Universe.

Why was I chosen to feel the wrath of such a raging extremity? I do not love you yourself, Chaos. You have shown me disaster before I learned of anything else. You have shown me fires, and death. But my mom bore me out of death and flames of your catastrophe and showed me love. When she died, I turned to you. I sook out cocaine and heroine and devious acts. 

You have given me such awkwardness in a world that demands only goodness! I-just-want-to-exist where love exists.  I will always, always choose love over you. 

I guess today I am breaking up with you. I am leaving you, Chaos. You were beautifully ugly, but it's because of --you-- that I can now find such amazement with the beauty of love--the love in myself and others. There could never have been love where you were absent. For that, thank you so very much! For that, I love you, but, for only that. And that, is what I will take with me. Because I am leaving you.


Sincerely,
Daniel

I'm so sorry for everything I've done. 

I would muffle my silent screams into my pillow when I was younger when I had this song playing on my ipod. This song was for me. And I was waiting for you to share it with. 

On a day like today
I looked at you and I
Saw something in the way
You stared into the sky 
I saw you were sick
And tired of my wrong turns
If you only knew the way I feel
I'd really love to tell you 

But I could never seem to say the things I needed to
On a day like today no other words would do 

I saw you were sick
And tired of my wrong turns
If you only knew the way I feel
I'd really love to tell you 

But I can never find the words to say and I don't know why
I can't find the words to say and I don't know why

If you don't want to love me.

Nothing left to lose. What is this feeling, that keeps on bringing me back to you. So I'm going to stay, when you just want to fight, when you're just closing your eyes, cause you don't want to love me. So I'm going to stay, Yes I will. You can't push me too far, there's no place in my heart that I don't want to love you.

I'm going, no where. I'm going no where. I'm going to stay.

All the tears that I've cried,
I could leave them to dry
If you don't want to love me.

I tried to. I thought she and I were cut from the same cloth. But I was just a rag altogether. it was not love, she didn't love me. For a moment, I thought she would. She told me she would think about it. That she's never connected with someone before, and that she was scared of the potential I would give her. I think she's a self saboteur. Just like me, the only difference is I had hope in love, while she already lost hers. She told me she was in a dysfunctional, safe cuddle buddy relationship with her current. I thought I could save her, give her more. I didn't know she was seeing somebody until later. But it doesn't matter. Because I've become a little more like her. Guarded and unwilling to love. And I find comfort in that now. I'm okay with being alone again.

She once said,

'maybe one day i'll find someone with just as many issues as me.and we can let it catch fire to the wind, and watch them turn to ashes together.or maybe one day our demons will eventually eat us up from the inside out,until we are hollow puppets, being pulled relentlessly to the symphony of life.'

"I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together."

Lisa Kleypas

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitter steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

Kurt Vonnegut

Stole this from http://1112pm.com/

There is comfort in these words.

But beauty is not the reality of human nature. Imperfections, flaws, are what make us human. And softness only exists because there is hardness. You need pain just as much as you need love to know what stone you are carved from.

Be hard, be soft. Be beautiful, and be ugly.

Actually, It's my first day!

My first day in Hell is drawing to a close. They don’t really have a sunset here, but the fires seem to dim a bit, and the screaming gets more subdued. Most of the demons are asleep now, their pointy tails curled up around them. They look so innocent, it’s hard to believe that just a few hours ago they were raping and torturing us.

There’s a kind of customs station when you arrive here, where a skeleton in a black robe checks a big book to make sure your name’s there. And as he slowly scans the pages with his bony finger you can’t help thinking, Why does a skeleton need a robe? Especially since it’s so hot. That’s the first thing you notice about Hell, how hot it is. I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true. Fortunately, it’s a steamy, sulfury kind of hot. Like a spa or something.

The food here turns out to be surprisingly good. The trouble is, just about all of it is poisoned. So a few minutes after you finish eating you’re doubled over in agony. The weird thing is, as soon as you recover you’re ready to dig in all over again.

Despite the tasty food and warm weather, there’s a dark side to Hell. For one thing, it’s totally disorganized. That anything gets done down here is a miracle. You’ll be herded along in one big line, then it’ll separate into three lines, then the lines will all come back together again! For no apparent reason! It’s crazy. You try to ask a demon a question, but he just looks at you. I don’t mean to sound prejudiced, but you wonder if they even speak English.

To relieve the boredom, you can throw rocks at other people in line. They just think it was a demon. But I discovered the hard way that the demons don’t like it when they’re beating someone and you join in.

It’s odd, but Hell can be a lonely place, even with so many people around. They all seem caught up in their own little worlds, running to and fro, wailing and tearing at their hair. You try to make conversation, but you can tell they’re not listening.

I decided I had to get away—the endless lines, the senseless whipping, the forced sing-alongs. You get tired of trying to explain that you’ve already been branded, or that something that big won’t fit in your ear, even with a hammer. I wandered off. I needed some me time. I came to a cave and went inside. Maybe I would find a place to meditate, or some lascivious demon-sex..

That’s when it happened, one of those moments which could only happen in Hell. I saw Satan. Some people have been in Hell for hundreds of years and have never seen Satan, but there he was: he was shorter than I thought he’d be, but he looked pretty good. He was standing on a big rock with his reading glasses on. I think he was practicing a speech. “Hey, Satan,” I yelled out, “how’s it going?” I was immediately set upon by demons. I can’t begin to describe the tortures they inflicted on me, because apparently they are trade secrets. Suffice it to say that, even as you endure all the pain, you find yourself thinking, Wow, how did they think of that?

My stitches are a little itchy, but at least the demons sewed most of my parts back on. More important, my faith in Hell as an exciting place where anything can happen has been restored.

I had better get some rest. They say the bees will be out soon and that it’s hard to sleep with the constant stinging. I lost my soul, but I was told I can reapply for a new one in a hundred years. Tomorrow we’re supposed to build a huge monolith, then take picks and shovels and tear it down, then beat each other to death. It sounds pointless to me, but what do I know. I’m new here.

*Completed a post I never finished.

The crescendos of lifting melodies, the sweeping sorrow of sonatas. I want to listen and love all of what life has to offer. No one can make me feel the chaos I made for myself. No one can make me feel the love that she gave me. I feel so, balanced.

I felt so restless. So uncentered even when we broke up because there was always this consciousness that told me, "She still wants to be with you." And I thought, "Well, I can't just LEAVE her."

No, because that would be cruel for some reason.


I thought I didn't have to feel tipped over to the darkness that knew me as I knew the dark. I thought I deserved to be happy, but I don't! I burned my path from her. I did not deserve her. And I didn't deserve to feel happy sentiments.

Some people were born from fire, and some people create fires.

“Never to suffer would never to have been blessed.” ― Edgar Allan Poe

My skewed sense of enlightenment came from thinking I could find something past the froth of anxiety, or feel something from the burn of destruction. Perhaps I did, I found that there is nothing to find, and nothing to feel.

I bathe in death of the void nothing. And now I live (if you call this living) and swim in it. I can hardly swim, so I just float. Floating until something happens to drag me out--or until I lose my strength and drown.

Now that I have nothing to hold on to. I ask myself if this is what I wanted.

And the scary part is I think it is. I knew what cheating meant to my soul.

And I'm okay with being soulless? That's frightening.

Delusional I could have been with anyone spectacular

I'm humbled. I think will sleep well again. It took losing everything to feel centered again. I don't have to worry about disappointing anybody anymore.

Never Change

On a Day Like Today

Errors

You were the sun that gave me gravity. You were my unknown infinity. I thought the universe was created on the day you appeared. But all that I knew of love was fooled. And it has shown me that such love could not be found within you.

Sounding out the noises

The night brings so much noise; if I close my eyes soft enough I can hear the walls bend and creak, the gears in the clock droll on with the incessant uncertainty of the next tick. I'll listen to the patterns of sound inside my own body and wonder if the murmurs in my soul sound as grainy--or if maybe--music plays.

My mom once told me that noise is a distraction, it can be good and it can be bad. I never understood what she meant. But I think she meant to tell me to listen. Carefully. Steadily.

If you are unhappy. Close your eyes darling. And listen to your inner voice. Listen carefully for the sounds of peace. Because she will know all she needs to know.

Confused

Suddenly someone comes and offers me love
The way I wanted you to do
I tried to find the strength to turn away
I'm not a saint I can't refuse
A touch a glance another chance to love,
Romance, to win and then to lose
A glass of wine to pass the time
A laugh and then you find you have to choose