things i didn't know,i knew them all;
when i knew everything, i realized
i wanted to know nothing more.
nothing more to break my walls.
nothing more to fill my space.

hum

down the steps,
second in years
compose a phrase
write peace, hum

a shortcut, 
familiar secret
for a new space,
places old, hum

down steps,
counting once, for-ever
trace steps to
love found, hum

weather

she was unexpected.

i truly did not expect her

or her effect on me,

my heart,

my mind,

my feelings.

she was the calming sound

of the light, pitter-patter drizzle

on an October Sunday night

in my wake of a brutal hurricane

empties

in all my searching, the only thing i’ve found that made my emptiness bearable was love.

for someone who had never felt a thing, i wanted to believe that nothing in the world could be more important than the feeling that i was living for her; those affirming beliefs made it feel as if i'd become whole and that i existed as a piece for her; i filled her empties up with what i would have liked to have felt. what i had was nothing, so i wanted to give her everything. that made me feel like i had everything, too. 

i woke up to do things for her i wouldn't do for myself so she could do twice as much in a year, i held her hands until my hands were her hands so she could hold more than two things at once, i wanted to give her more of my life so that she could be twice as alive--so i could, too.

i would have poured myself into all the bits where she was empty so sh'd never have to feel how i felt, but more of what i would have imagined was the perfect life. and i wish i had more to give, because i would have given that to her too. 

the more i loved, the more my heart became veritable, the more acquainted i became with being less of myself and more of her

& 

the more i loved, the less i was of myself. and because i was hers, and i feared she was not mine, i felt displaced and more alone than the words that i yearned to know. 

i felt the things that words cannot say, and i became the things that i could not think.

i am ready to feel something new in my old foibles, filling up with empty or filling up with her plans

So ADOWAABLE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITFJgSld8xk

(You have ghosts?) (Of course I have ghosts.) (What are your ghosts like?) (They are on the insides of the lids of my eyes.) (This is also where my ghosts reside.) (You have ghosts?) (Of course I have ghosts.) (But you are a child.) (I am not a child.) (But you have not known love.) (These are my ghosts, the spaces amid love.) Jonathon Safran Foer, *Everything is Illuminated*

not too horrible.

Because I'd wake up every day with the world in my pocket and air outside all my spaces. Gravity was still, just theory, the sky wasn't the tallest thing, and the sun was always late to get anywhere, anywhere but here--for me. But today I wake and nothing was too important, and that wasn't too horrible. Drifting away from everything that matters, wont be too horrible. afterall. 

I don't feel the compulsory need to love and understand a thing; I don't feel the compulsory need to feel; I don't feel the need to understand life any more than I need to understand death; perhaps both life and death simply exist and isn't special at all; and that isn't too horrible to believe in if it fills me up, plenty enough to feel nothing.

I often toiled into the madness of disorder; but if everything is where it isn't supposed to be for me, I hope it's where it's supposed to be for someone else. My eyes close and no thoughts of magic is important. I accept living in dark illumination, the cold but bitterless heart, the empty pockets, they are all,

Not too horrible. 

It's as if the emptiness was what I needed to feel alive. To all the things that enlivened me, I let my eyelids be the curtains and feel the closing in that. Deeper into the nothing, deeper into who I am, I'll stare; curious as to what I'll find for myself.

So far--I find, nothing

Not too horrible. 

I wonder if your heart is as empty as mine.

I used to love you with so much renting fear; fearing you'd leave, fearing you'd find me not funny, not entertaining, not good enough in bed, not smart enough, not attractive enough, too weird for society; too much of too little I feared of myself and deducted away all the happiness we shared; I loved you with such fear because I understood that you were so absolutely perfect, you were a dream come true, and I only dreamt to be yours. You loved with such frightening understanding--you made me feel adequate for the first time in my life, like everything I had to offer was enough to last a lifetime, to last forever; I only think about the future of our forever now. And it was because you loved me after all of my wrong turns that I was able to love in your same untrammeled sincerity. Baby, you don't love me the same way anymore, because maybe you are afraid just as I was, but I want you to know that I love you even if you don't feel love for anything now. If we've switched hearts, I promise my heart will never change and that I will stay here and keep you completely safe from sadness. I love you so much now because I too, just want to love you as frighteningly much and more. I used to think that girls feared me, but it is I who feared you. I don't want to be cowardly, I just want to live happily ever after with you. I support you in all you do. I am here and I am just like you. I love you sweety. Please come home soon.

perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, 
it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.